


You Make Me Alone, Feel So Alone (And We're Loved, So Loved)

by squishypeaches



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, Dinner, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Light Angst, M/M, Original Character(s), i have no idea how to tag help, post-disbandment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 20:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14120379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squishypeaches/pseuds/squishypeaches
Summary: Junmyeon is struggling between his relationship and his happiness





	You Make Me Alone, Feel So Alone (And We're Loved, So Loved)

**Author's Note:**

> "Dinner" MV (obviously) inspired. Every time I've watched the mv these pictures flooded into my mind and I wanted to write something about what could have ended their relationship. First time I write on ao3 and english isn't my first language so, sorry for typos and grammar.

_You make me alone_

_Feel so alone_

 

 

 

 

8pm.

The door seems so heavy and scary, the dark tone of the wood giving out a threatening feeling. It's dark outside, chilly wind and the flash of a bolt can be seen far far away, just like the calm before the storm.

His hand's already on the doorknob, stiff and hesitant. He knows what's waiting him inside, he knows what he has to do, but tonight his body isn't responding, frozen on the spot and waiting for the shivers in his arms to calm down. If only he wasn't a coward, if only he could take courage and just speak his mind for once...

From inside comes the loud bop of a bottle being opened. It's so familiar, so imprinted in his mind that he just need to close his eyes to see her already, pouring the wine and sipping at it while seated in the same chair as every day. She has her hair tied and the slight hint of make up, no matter if she's been home for the whole day, she has changed her clothes and wore a nice pair of shoes just for him. She doesn't even care, but that's their routine, to pretend they're happy, to fake smiles and share kisses they don't really feel, to avoid those uneasy glances and hope for the dinner to be over soon.

As he unlocks the door, Junmyeon wonders if they'd ever been happy together.

In his mind, he knows the answer.

 

 

 

"Hi. I was waiting for you. Dinner is ready."

He was right, she's at the dinner table, her hair tied in a neat bun and a soft blush on her cheeks, elegant dress and heels at her feet, like she's actually trying to impress someone. Junmyeon hopes it's not him.

He hangs his coat without replying and walks straight to his room to leave his bag, feeling safer with that distance between them. Before going back to the table, Junmyeon checks his phone just to find a new message from that number. The man sighs and quickly taps a reply, putting the object back in his pocket, where no one can find it.

When he finally sits in his fixed spot at the table, he tries his best to not look into his wife's eyes. Fumbles with his flute and pours a generous amount of wine. Junmyeon wasn't used to drink back in his old days, but now it's the only thing that keeps him steady during those nights.

 

"How was your day?" She asks with no real concern. Her glass between her lips, food left untouched on the plate.

 

Junmyeon gulps down his wine and feels the taste of alcohol easing his senses, his mind lighter and his tongue heavier.

 

"Good." His eyes never leave the food, he knows that he won't be able to confront her if she decides that is the right night to sort out things.

 

"What did you do?"

 

Junmyeon lets the fork fall on the tablecloth. He knows she doesn't really care, he knows she's just trying to pretend they're fine, but he doesn't want to talk about his work, or his life. Not with her, not with the person with whom he feels the least at ease right now.

 

"Work."

 

Another fake smile, her fork is wandering on the plate but no food reach her mouth.

 

"Have you met the guys?"

 

Junmyeon feels his shoulders slouching dangerously onwards, tries to suppress that damn tic of his eyebrow that he's afraid will show his nervousness and nods with the slightest movement of the head, worrying that if he tried to speak his voice wouldn't come out.

God, what if she already knows?

  
"The steak is good." He says blankly trying to change subject. He has to bring the attention to something else but it's not easy when you're married to a total stranger.

He just needs to endure till his wife is so fed up with all the awkwardness she'll prefer to leave and never come out of her room till next morning.

  
It's been four months since Junmyeon moved in the guest room. They hadn't even argued about that but the deep silence right before they fell asleep was a bitter reminder of how their relationship was declining and no one was even trying to keep it together. They were tired, alone... they simply wasn't in love.

 

Junmyeon still remembers his wedding day. She was stunning with her hair braided in soft curves and the flower crown gracing her face like the most pretty princess. Her white dress slid on the carpeted floor, the wide skirt swinging on the aisle capturing the attention (and jealousy) of all the women in the room. She was perfect and Junmyeon had really thought they could lead a pleasant life together, even though deep inside him he knew he was tieding her to the worst lie.

And there she was, standing in front of him, and no one could take their eyes off of her.

But he just couldn't take his eyes off his best man.

 

I'm done." His wife stands up abruptly and wipes her already clean lips. "If you don't mind I'm leaving first."

Junmyeon needs to hold back his grin, he feels guilty and hopeless but still he can't help but be glad of his prediction coming true.

"Please, I don't mind'"

  
His wife leaves mumbling something along with "Of course you don't".

 

 

 

Junmyeon collapses on the mattress, body still trembling with pleasure and his forehead damp and hot. His sight is slightly blurry in the dark room, only the thin light of a small lamp illuminating white walls and the face of the man beside him. Junmyeon still can't take his eyes off of him, off his charming cheekbones, his oh-so-kissable lips that are now so swollen after a whole night making up. The boy is catching his breath, eyes closed, lips parted, chest heaving up and down in a comforting rhythm that makes Junmyeon want to reach out and touch him. Soft touches, a kiss on his sensitive skin, a praise, cause he's always so good to him. Junmyeon knows he should feel the most miserable right now, at 2am in his lover's bed, covered in sweat and broken promises, but Jongdae's right next to him, he's smiling, he's handsome and ready to please any of Junmyeon's desire. Junmyeon traces a line down Jongdae's side, grips his hip, smooths over the boy's stomach with attentive fingers. He then kisses his shoulder and Jongdae bites his lip, turns on his side and looks at Junmyeon.

Junmyeon should feel so wrong, so filthy, petty... a cheater.

He still accepts Jongdae's kiss, cradling the boy in his arms and showering his neck with the sweetest nibbles just to tease him where he knows Jongdae's more sensitive.

"Hyung, behave."

But Junmyeon's just too eager, too needy, too hopelessly in love with each and every side and feature of jongdae. He cups the boy's cheek, looks into his eyes with that adoration that he only reserves to him. He loves jongdae, he loves him so much it hurts. It's hurting him and jongdae and his marriage too.

Another long kiss on those pretty, pretty lips and Junmyeon tries to imprint in his mind the scent of Jongdae's shampoo, the warm feeling in his chest when Jongdae's nose bumps into his, the most beautiful eye smile Junmyeon has ever seen. He should feel bad for so many reasons but all he can think about is how right it feels when jongdae's head finds its way on the crook of his shoulder and his fingers begin to tickle Junmyeon's collarbone with the softest touches.

_This is wrong_ , he should think. _It feels so good and right_ , is all he can think about.

 

"I think I still love you." Jongdae has his eyes closed now, their limbs tangled up together and the feeling of the boy's naked thigh against his is thrilling Junmyeon.

 

Memories of the old days come in a flash, all those stolen glances, their nights alone in Junmyeon's room, Jongdae being touchy during performances... how could he forget when it was everything for him. Junmyeon remembers the day they eventually had to go separate ways. "I love you but we can't stay together" had said Jongdae and Junmyeon knew he was right so he didn't argue back and just let the love of his life slip through his fingers.

Some years later and they were both excited and desperate for each other, smashing their lips and body closely, savoring every single inch of their skin in the back stall of a public toilet, in the shabby restaurant where they were having their annual meeting with other members.

Since then, he regretted his life choices every day, but he never regretted loving Jongdae with all his heart.

 

And here they are, bringing back the word Junmyeon wants to escape from more than anything else. He loves Jongdae, he never stopped loving him, Jongdae truly is the world for him. But saying those words aloud means for Junmyeon to give up on his current life. He knows he can't keep playing on both sides and they suffered so much in the past that he doesn't know if he'll be able to endure another break up with Jongdae.

Jongdae's ready, he's telling him that he wants to take the risk and have a new start with him but what if they're going to fall apart either way? What if Junmyeon was to leave his wife only to still be alone in the end?

 

Junmyeon smiles sadly against the boy's forehead, kisses his temple, his jaw and then his mouth. Caresses his cheek softly, fumbles with his hair and sucks on his lip with just that small pressure he knows Jongdae loves. "It's late, we're both tired. Let's talk next time, okay?"

 

He knows Jongdae's not okay, but the boy nods and shares another sloppy kiss with his lover.

 

 

 

It's past 4am when Junmyeon goes back to his apartment, lights off and a heavy smell of wine lingering in the living room. He doesn't question why his house suddenly feels so empty, his wife must be fast asleep right now and he only wants to nap for a few hours before going to work. He has a few schedules in the morning and Jongdae will be there. Minseok and Sehun will join too but he silently longs for Jongdae's presence the most.

They're going to host a small event on the countryside, Junmyeon's already familiar with the shooting place and he remembers this small hidden room on the main building where they could...

He stops in front of his old bedroom. The door is open, which is totally weird as his wife always shut herself inside the room to avoid Junmyeon and even with the small source of light he can see the room is a mess: a lot of clothes scattered on the bed, bags and purses everywhere and the closet half empty. She's not there.

Junmyeon checks in every single room of the house before starting to panic. _She can't have left like this, right? Does she know? Did she tell someone?_

He's halfway to have a mental break down when his eyes land on a few papers on the top of the dinner table. He swallows hard, his heart pounding fast, his breath almost heavy. There's a small note in handwritten letters saying _'we're alone. what's the point now?'_ ' and Junmyeon's heart throbs in his chest, guilt spreading all over his body. It's his fault.

He looks at the papers left on the table and even before reading any word he knows already what they're about.

Junmyeon bites his lower lip hard and painful, but he deserves it. He knew something like this would happen and couldn't even blame her.

Junmyeon sits at his usual chair and stares at the papers, focusing on those words he keeps on hearing in his head. ' _I think I still love you'_ , they say and Junmyeon can feel his hands tickling with the needs to finally put an end to that awful situation.

He never loved his wife, his wife doesn't love him anymore. He could be finally free, finally be a better person and redeem all his wrong choices of the past. He could finally make Jongdae happy and that's what truly matter at the moment.

But deep inside him there's still that small voice telling how risky all this is, how he could end up broken in many ways. Is it really worthy? Jongdae's ready, but is he ready as well?

His fingers are trembling, lip quivering.

" _I think I still love you_ ". Once again.

Junmyeon's mind is so clouded with thought of his past life, his wife, Jongdae, Jongdae again.

He tries to ignore his fantasies, tries to think of what would be better for both of them, but it's so damn hard when the image of a life together with his beloved is so tempting.

" _I still love you_ ", Jongdae's voice is getting louder and he knows he's selfish, God, he's always been so selfish when it comes about Jongdae, but he wouldn't forgive himself if he didn't at least tried.

Indeed, Jongdae had always been worthy.

"I love you too. I love you so much" he whispers and he will make sure to tell Jongdae the next day, and the day after and each and every day they'll spend together.

 

Junmyeon picks up the papers with a strong grip.

He signs with no regret.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to everyone who made it here. I hope you liked it and comments and kudos are always appreciated (♡ ꒳ ♡✿)  
> (Just in case someone missed the hint those Junmyeon finds are the divorce papers)
> 
> ─ P.S: stream Dinner ♡


End file.
